Satire? I hardly know her: Palm Beach II

Dec 2 2011 in Distractions by Jordano Toniel, Satire? I hardly know her!

Seeing winter coming upon us reminds me of the beginnings of another, arguably much better, season: summer. Since this is the last Imprint, I’ll share with you a personal story.

Two years ago, my roommate DK (short for “Donkey Kong”) decided to drink 20 Palm Bays to celebrate the beginning of summer. In a completely related matter, he passed out at 8:30 p.m. and was sicker than a dog all night — a dog with cancer.

He refused to come out of his room, only leaving occasionally to throw up. And so, to celebrate the spirit of the dawning of summer we decided to keep tradition alive by hosting Palm Bay II last year.

We began our journey, sitting in our living room playing drinking games and downing six-packs of Palm Bay. We yelled obscenities during exam time, unconcerned about the noise level because our building already hated us anyway.

Eventually other people showed up and we drank Grey Goose, and I proceeded to embarrass myself thoroughly from my shot drinking style, which involves plugging my nose and gagging a lot.

Predictably, I threw up all over the living room wall after the fumes from the vodka came up from my stomach to the back of my throat.

Once we did get to the bar, my friend, um, “Jeffrey” (I’ll leave out his real name) decided to buy a platter of 15 to 20 beers, drink one, then, without informing anyone of the reason, leave the bar to go home. A true Irish exit. So my friends A-cat, DK, and I were left to drink five to seven beers each after we were already sloshed.

One of the more notable points of the night was that my roommate, DK, met and started kissing a girl that he had just subletted his room to the day before.

All night we busted DK’s balls about how he should be a registered sex offender because he rents rooms out to girls on Kijiji and then kisses them on the mouth.

All day we jokingly talked about how DK should offer to give her “a test run of sleeping in the room,” but we didn’t think he’d actually do it. Wow, what a guy.

When I got home I decided to take a shower (as I always do when I get back from a night out) and, predictably, I threw up and passed out in the shower.

Cut to 45 minutes later:

A-cat is walking home from the bar; he is so drunk that he smashes through the glass front door to our apartment building. Like, literally smashed and had to be replaced by the landlord. As he arrives at the top of the staircase, he hears a cry for help. He blasts through the door and sprints towards the bathroom, where it appears my ex-girlfriend is crying: something must be wrong, he thinks to himself.

From the living room he can see a naked body lying on its side in the tub. He sprints towards the tub, but on the way he stumbles over the bathroom rug, trips, and frantically latches on to the shower curtain to stop his fall. But it is in vain, for it does nothing to stop his massive weight, he falls into the tub; the water is running.

I wake up. I open my eyes and realize I’m wet. For some reason, A-cat is on top of me, I’m in the tub, and my ex-girlfriend is staring at me; also, I am completely naked. Separating A-cat and I is a shower curtain and the water is running over us both; A-cat is fully clothed.

I am very confused as to what is happening. I look over to the side of the tub and see my ex-girlfriend doubled over in laughter at what she is witnessing. Ladies and gentlemen: my “game.”

God damn, did we tear shit up that year (and throw up on a lot of things).